Well, so far this has been a better week for me. I still haven't accomplished everything that I need to get done though.
I spent most of last week mad at my growth group at church because I was overwhelmed and felt like I was berated because I was mad at God. I found myself crying at the drop of a hat, so to speak. Why was I mad at God? Because I was hoping that last month after the IUI we would be pregnant. Well that didn't happen and everyone gave me their 2 cents worth. I still swear that if someone else tells me a story of someone else’s struggles to become pregnant that I will scream!
Well, Chuck and I decided to try the IUI again and pray that it took this time.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Transparency
For many of you, you will probably never meet some more transparent than me. I have been that way since I was a child. As a child what no one knew is that i was being molested by an alcoholic stepfather. This lasted up until I was in the 5th grade. No one was allowed to know. I did try telling, but was always afraid. I was always made fun of in school. Why kids are so mean I will never understand. Junior high was especially hard as that is when we start to learn who we really are. After 8th grade my parents moved us to Phoenix. I started high school and really only had a few close friends there. My junior year of school I became extremely ill with valley Fever. I missed almost half of the school year because of it. I worked hard and graduated on time with my class the next year. I had a full scholarship to ASU and ended up losing it because I was having a hard time with my classes.
At that time I was working for Circle K in the corporate offices and after being there a month ran into a guy that I had a crush on in high school - John. We dated about 6 months and then we married in October 2005. Oh how I loved him. He and his family helped me to reconnect with family that I hadn't seen since I was a child. What many others did not know is that John was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. He would get mad and start yelling at me, back me into corners or head but me. We finally split up, against my wishes (I didn't want to), I was totally devastated. I loved him. Later I found out that he was sleeping with his brothers leftovers.
I dated a few guys after our divorce, making poor choices, and even had one guy stalk me. I met Chuck in Jan 2000 at church. I love him so much and he generally brings out the best in me. Since we have been together I have had non stop medical issues, one right after the other. I fell like God keeps throwing horrendous situations at me. Still to this day, I have issues with my back and tailbone.
Now the fact that I can't get pregnant just makes it worse. I thought I was handling it pretty well till last night when I was bombarded with people telling me about how others who wanted children waited nearly 30 years to finally have a child or realized that children were not in God’s plan. I don't care about their stories, I only care about mine. Now I don't even want to go back to the Growth Group at church...
Why can't I be in God's good graces? Yes, I know He loves me and I love him, but I am really tired of always having a no or not now answer from God.
I can cry at the drop of a hat. I have always been like that. Right now though the fertility treatments just add fuel to the fire. I start to cry at work, I cry driving, I cry on bed - just about anywhere.
Ask me anything, i will always tell you what I know or think. I am transparent at God's doing, not my own. Is it a weakness? I don't know.
At that time I was working for Circle K in the corporate offices and after being there a month ran into a guy that I had a crush on in high school - John. We dated about 6 months and then we married in October 2005. Oh how I loved him. He and his family helped me to reconnect with family that I hadn't seen since I was a child. What many others did not know is that John was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. He would get mad and start yelling at me, back me into corners or head but me. We finally split up, against my wishes (I didn't want to), I was totally devastated. I loved him. Later I found out that he was sleeping with his brothers leftovers.
I dated a few guys after our divorce, making poor choices, and even had one guy stalk me. I met Chuck in Jan 2000 at church. I love him so much and he generally brings out the best in me. Since we have been together I have had non stop medical issues, one right after the other. I fell like God keeps throwing horrendous situations at me. Still to this day, I have issues with my back and tailbone.
Now the fact that I can't get pregnant just makes it worse. I thought I was handling it pretty well till last night when I was bombarded with people telling me about how others who wanted children waited nearly 30 years to finally have a child or realized that children were not in God’s plan. I don't care about their stories, I only care about mine. Now I don't even want to go back to the Growth Group at church...
Why can't I be in God's good graces? Yes, I know He loves me and I love him, but I am really tired of always having a no or not now answer from God.
I can cry at the drop of a hat. I have always been like that. Right now though the fertility treatments just add fuel to the fire. I start to cry at work, I cry driving, I cry on bed - just about anywhere.
Ask me anything, i will always tell you what I know or think. I am transparent at God's doing, not my own. Is it a weakness? I don't know.
Monday, December 1, 2008
I AM TIRED!!!!
Ok, I just really need to vent tonight. I thought i was handling the negative pregnancy test pretty well, but I guess not. Tonight at growth group when I said I was mad at God everyone had to give their thoughts on the situation. I am TIRED of having to be Patient and Wait on God. Once again I am beginning to doubt how much God loves me and I know that it is Satan that is filling my head with those lies. I almost feel like i am wrong in being mad and hurt with God. I truly love everyone in the group, but I couldn't wait to leave there.
I have great friends and family and I know that all of them care about me, but all I want right now is for someone to listen. I am really tired of hearing people week after week tell me how others have waited 30 years before they have kids or that they accepted long ago that they would never have them. Right now I don't care what the others have gone through. I think that it is not right that I have to suffer through all this heartache. Mike this afternoon compared it to a miscarriage. A child hoped for and then lost, a broken hearted woman who mourns a loss. I may not have had a miscarriage, but my heart aches because the one thing I want seems so unreachable.
I love all of you and hope that you can bear with me as I struggle with this whole trying to get pregnant. I am really having a hard time going to God with situation. Please just listen to me, remember that I am an emotional basket case in many ways.
I am also tired of feeling alone. Chuck is great to have around. All of my friends stay busy with their jobs or kids, so I kinda feel a little lost.
For our growth group we are to be in an LTG with someone but so far I don't have a partner. I wish I did, but that is another area that I am failing in. So I guess that life is just bringing me down. I don't want to pray, read my bible, or do the journaling I am supposed to.
I hope this week gets better!
I have great friends and family and I know that all of them care about me, but all I want right now is for someone to listen. I am really tired of hearing people week after week tell me how others have waited 30 years before they have kids or that they accepted long ago that they would never have them. Right now I don't care what the others have gone through. I think that it is not right that I have to suffer through all this heartache. Mike this afternoon compared it to a miscarriage. A child hoped for and then lost, a broken hearted woman who mourns a loss. I may not have had a miscarriage, but my heart aches because the one thing I want seems so unreachable.
I love all of you and hope that you can bear with me as I struggle with this whole trying to get pregnant. I am really having a hard time going to God with situation. Please just listen to me, remember that I am an emotional basket case in many ways.
I am also tired of feeling alone. Chuck is great to have around. All of my friends stay busy with their jobs or kids, so I kinda feel a little lost.
For our growth group we are to be in an LTG with someone but so far I don't have a partner. I wish I did, but that is another area that I am failing in. So I guess that life is just bringing me down. I don't want to pray, read my bible, or do the journaling I am supposed to.
I hope this week gets better!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
God is Good! 11/26/08
When I first became a Christian as a child I really didn't understand everything that loving and serving our Lord Jesus Christ meant. As I have grown up and become an adult I understand it much more. Christ has to be the most important person in my life. If I put Him first in all that I do then everything else that matters will fall into place as He has ordained. Now I don't always put Him first, but this is an area that I am trying to correct in my life. My priorities up until very recently were all screwed up and Jesus was not first.
I can say that God has always been with me even though I am not always as faithful as I should be. So many times He has picked me up and brought me through a situation that I couldn't have gotten out of by myself. One of those times was this past weekend.
I have been going through fertility treatments for the last 5 months and as of yet we have not been able to get pregnant. My heart broke into so many pieces this past weekend when for the 5th time in a row the test came back negative. Oh how I cried. I was so crushed that I wanted to be around no-one and yet I had a women's function for church to go to. I did ok with it for a while, every now and then started to tear up though. I have said more times than I can count that God would bless us with a child in His time...I know that this is true, however my patience is really running low and it hurts so much each month that goes by and we find out again that we are not pregnant. It hurts me when I find out someone around me is pregnant. Why God, is this happening again?? Yes I know that there are thousands of children that need good homes and that adoption is always a possibility. I just want to have 1, just 1 child of my own. If God feels as if I can handle more then that is fine - I would love to have twins!
Anyways, through all that I have been through the last 2 years with illness and major physical pain from my tailbone and lower back, God has ALWAYS remained FAITHFUL! How can I not love and trust God?
I can say that God has always been with me even though I am not always as faithful as I should be. So many times He has picked me up and brought me through a situation that I couldn't have gotten out of by myself. One of those times was this past weekend.
I have been going through fertility treatments for the last 5 months and as of yet we have not been able to get pregnant. My heart broke into so many pieces this past weekend when for the 5th time in a row the test came back negative. Oh how I cried. I was so crushed that I wanted to be around no-one and yet I had a women's function for church to go to. I did ok with it for a while, every now and then started to tear up though. I have said more times than I can count that God would bless us with a child in His time...I know that this is true, however my patience is really running low and it hurts so much each month that goes by and we find out again that we are not pregnant. It hurts me when I find out someone around me is pregnant. Why God, is this happening again?? Yes I know that there are thousands of children that need good homes and that adoption is always a possibility. I just want to have 1, just 1 child of my own. If God feels as if I can handle more then that is fine - I would love to have twins!
Anyways, through all that I have been through the last 2 years with illness and major physical pain from my tailbone and lower back, God has ALWAYS remained FAITHFUL! How can I not love and trust God?
First Blog 11/26/08
Well, this is my first blog. Never done this before, but I figure it is an easy way for friends and family alike to keep up with what is going on in our lives here in Boise, ID.
Tonight I am not able to sleep, even though I took all my pills at 8pm. Instead I am wide awake writing this at 11pm.
It is hard to believe that we will not be spending Thanksgiving with our families for the 4th year in a row. I miss our family more so at the holiday time each year as well as some of our best friends in Phoenix. Maybe we can convince them to come next year. We will be spending our first Thanksgiving together since Chuck is no longer at the nursing home. I have spent the last 2 years going to Pastor Rich & Donna’s home. They are our surrogate family. I love them so. I know that God has blessed our lives tremendously by having them in our lives.
I am looking forward to this weekend when i get to pull out all the Christmas decorations and decorate both our home and the office. I will also probably do a little shopping on Friday, but there is no way I am getting up before 7 am since my shopping is pretty much done! Now I just have to wrap it and send it out of state -yuck!
Tonight I am not able to sleep, even though I took all my pills at 8pm. Instead I am wide awake writing this at 11pm.
It is hard to believe that we will not be spending Thanksgiving with our families for the 4th year in a row. I miss our family more so at the holiday time each year as well as some of our best friends in Phoenix. Maybe we can convince them to come next year. We will be spending our first Thanksgiving together since Chuck is no longer at the nursing home. I have spent the last 2 years going to Pastor Rich & Donna’s home. They are our surrogate family. I love them so. I know that God has blessed our lives tremendously by having them in our lives.
I am looking forward to this weekend when i get to pull out all the Christmas decorations and decorate both our home and the office. I will also probably do a little shopping on Friday, but there is no way I am getting up before 7 am since my shopping is pretty much done! Now I just have to wrap it and send it out of state -yuck!
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